All last week I stressed about North Gatwicks birthday, the second I have witnessed since I've known her.

That long. Yep. That long.

Anyway I did the usual query of my friends as to what to get her. Everybody said "get her a ring" my reply was "I just got a bill for the taxes on my house.". With mounting legal expenses from two lawsuits (I reeeealy cant talk about it right now) I cant afford it.

A few weeks ago North Gatwick and I, Jim-bofreeload had dinner at The Baseheads. While there Jim-bocockaroache asked if I could help him move some stuff out of his storage space. This was also the weekend before North Gatwicks birthday. I said "sure I'll help." North Gatwick had a strange look on her face. On the way home she asked an interesting question.

"You don't have any plans for next weekend?"
"Nuupe" (Nope)

Well, actually I did. I asked Mr/ Basehead if I could throw a surprise get together for North Gatwick. Mrs. Basehead was all over it. All I had to do was slide them some cash, invite some people and off we go right?

Wrong. The first time I tried to go visit The Baseheads to give them the money I wrecked my car. Luckily I have (had) three vehicles. One down. Two to go. A few days later I jumped in my bland suburban vehicle, went over there and slid them a couple hundred bucks. Mrs. Basehead said everything would be taken care of.

I kept the whole thing small, inviting only those closest to her. In this case it would be Jim-boclick, Evil Colonel Hippie and Clara Bong. That worked.

Now to get her over. Now Mr. Basehead and I have history going back over 12 years or so with us getting into mischief involving us getting hammered and annoying people or, annoying our significant others or needing to be picked up because were were hammered and annoying people. With that in mind, the default excuse to lure her over was going to be simple. Mr. Basehead and I were drinking beer and then...

Saturday morning North Gatwick got dressed to go to the spa after we worked out. She looked great. I think she has lost about 10% of her body weight. She still gets annoyed with me whenever I walk up behind her in the mirror because I start posing. I've lost quite a bit and as a result my vanity, already a problem, is more of a problem than ever.

  After helping Jim-boslavedriver move his stuff, I drove my bland suburban vehicle to The Baseheads home. Mrs. Basehead laid the place out! She decorated and everything. Mr. Basehead had fixed some cool dishes and Evil Colonel Hippie and his wife to be showed up.

Mrs. Basehead told North Gatwick she had to get me because I was passed out. That was going to work. She said she was on her way. Everything was set.

What I didnt know, was that North Gatwick was cleaning my one-room cottage in the country all day. She showed up wearing sweats and her hair was pulled back. ROTFL!

Everyone yelled "Surprise!" North Gatwick backed away from the door because she did not primp before supposedly dragging me out of their house. That cracked me up. Anyway there were some gifts, and a big furry balloon. Mr. Basehead threw confetti on her, and our get together was on. It was a great time with good friends, a large helping of wine, a great meal and some goodwill.

Everything was great. North Gatwick was touched by the whole experience as my friends had adopted her as one of their own.

"They're your friends too North Gatwick."

Last night was her actual birthday. I ordered flowers online made reservations and forgot a gift. Well, one thing I know always works for North Gatwick is the spa. I stopped through the Grand Spa and was greeted by some friendly women at the front counter. Unfortunately the one who ended up serving me was not as friendly as I first thought. As soon as I asked for a gift package, she got an attitude. Mister Bachelor rolled his beautiful brown eyes at a women he didnt know, tripping because I bought a gift. Good God will you black women get a grip?

Later that evening, we went to Randy's Steak House which is located inside a house in the next town. All I can say is that the food was excellent. I just wish I ate as much as I used to so I could get it all down. It was amazing. I had already informed them that it was North Gatwick's birthday when I made my reservation so, they showed up with cake and candles. Everything worked out perfectly.

We were too full for any Adult Situations and Language. However she told me before I started snoring that this was one of the happiest days of her life and that for the first time in her life, she was really happy and content. You know what? I am pretty happy and content myself. For the first time in 10 years I really am.

And did all that without getting a ring! Yessss….

Those of you who really know me know that not only am I good looking but that my wit is sharp. However, even someone who is as great as Mister Bachelor can make a few little errors every now and again.

Here's one of them.

I was in the mirror the other day with North Gatwick, she commented about the fact that my hair is turning grey, which at 41, ought to be happening. I took the punch. My counter punch on the other hand, while witty, did not get any laughs.

"Your hair is getting really grey!"
"Yep, its even greyer than your hair would be!"

I was asked to get out of the bathroom.

Dont try this at home. I am a professional.

Yesterday I got in a car accident. My car was turned 90 degrees, slamming my head on the window.

Ouch.

Immediately I got out of the car. Survival instincts kicked in. I had to ask myself a life or death question:

Do I wait until North Gatwick gets home to tell her about the accident and face certain death, or do I tell her now and send her into a tizzy that will lead to clinical death anyway.

I told her at work, sending her into a tizzy. As she asks me whether or not I am dead, casket colors, cemetery choices etc.. Mister Bachelor rolled his beautiful brown eyes for the paramedics shining lights into them asking me even dumber questions.

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh at the time of the accident, the radio was still on. After I stepped away from the paramedics I learned that I was famous!

"We have a Multi Vehicle Car Wreck on the northbound..."

Mister Bachelor rolled his beautiful brown eyes again. This was not exactly how I had planned on getting on the radio. Crap.

I got home, skipping my workout as my shoulder and head were still killing me when in comes North Gatwick. Immediately I knew I was about to be clinically dead. How you ask? A wife-induced coma. This is when you are put to bed and are unable to move, feed yourself or open your eyes because some five foot woman is standing over you, daring you to move because she perceives you as mortally ill when just the opposite is true.

I have to admit I did appreciate the attention for a minute.

Anyway the process of settling up with the insurance companies begins in earnest this morning. I'm not looking foreword to dealing with all of this mess but I'm glad I am ok.

North Gatwick was great yesterday, once again showing me that she really loves me. Hmmm.. I haven't felt that way (loved) in a long time.

We went to a party last weekend where the Evil Colonel Hippie and his wife to be Clara Bong hosted. We were queried time and time again as to when we were getting married or getting a ring. My response: "Look man, I got over five grand in taxes to pay on my house. I'll get back to you as soon as its paid."

"
Look man, I got a bill for five grand in taxes on my house to pay. I'll get back to you when that's done OK?
"

Yeah, all these couples activities we engage in crack me the hell up. Everyone tells me how wonderful she is and how I shouldn't let her go and how we need to get married and all that foolishness.

I know. North Gatwick tells me the same thing.. Daily.

To be honest with you I agree. The fact of the matter is, I do need to pay my taxes before the end of the year and while I earn a meer pittance five grand is a lot of money. I'll buy a ring after they are paid.

The Baseheads invited us over this weekend. I don't think I have a single friend anymore. Its all "Couples" stuff. This mess cracks me up.

Yesterday we went to Vernons to meet the gang. It was good to see everyone again including some long-lost friends, North London and Angry Walk both of which I had not seen since January. Ms Peyton was not there and that's probably for the best so I don't have to be asked whether or not I had Adult Situations and Language with her again. Look, I am a pretty decent looking man.

"
Dog Law: Don't engage in Mister Bacheloresque behavior and go back to something that's bad for you. Remember The Witch?
"

It would seem that she and Dog Law are no longer together and he seems to be 'back' with his ex-wife? I am shaking my head on that one. All I can say that its not a good idea to engage in Mister Bacheloresque behavior going back to something that is bad for you. I can only suppose he ignored all the foolishness I went through with The Witch.

I was told that I could not comment on Angry Walk's weight or else I would never see her again so I am not. Instead I will comment on her rack which seems to be getting bigger. She always had cleavage, but not that much.. She was not wearing tight fitting clothes, (except the blouse) so I really couldn't gage how big she has gotten anyway. I'd still hit it. LOL.

North London and Valet Boy Wonder seemed happy. He's a pretty nice guy and now that he seems to have steady work, is cool with me. He asked if I needed some remodeling done in my house. Well, the answer to that is yes. I need some walls re-arranged and one of the HVAC units in the attic relocated so I can expand the second floor of my one-room cottage in the country. I might as well seeing how I am trapped here for the foreseeable future. More on "Mister Bachelor's Neighborhood" another time. I reckon I'll call him after the colossal expense I am about to incur for North Gatwick's birthday.

Speaking of weight gain or loss. In addition to myself North Gatwick is also shrinking. I commented on the fact that her pants which were supposed to ride low, no longer fit in the back creating a cup in the small of her back because the pants are too big. That cracked me up. While she liked the complement, she didn't like the fact that she had to change clothes.

"Its good news right?"
"No. Yes."

As usual I cant do anything right. Mister Bachelor rolls his beautiful brown eyes.

My shrinkage (about 20 pounds) on the other hand is more pronounced, and its tripping me out. I am losing weight in certain places but not in others. As a result, my love handles are ridiculous. Someday they will go too.

"
The fact that my getting married to North Gatwick being a feta compli is beginning to sink in. And you know what? It doesn't seem that bad.
"

Skinny McBeal was there as well. Bubbly and cute as ever, she showed me a picture of the coke baby. She is so cute. They all are actually, and then they grow up and start wrecking cars.

All and all its been a good week. The fact that my getting married to North Gatwick being a feta compli is beginning to sink in. And you know what? It doesn't seem that bad.  We have a great time together and the drama we've had is our drama and not because she is in love with someone else. Every day she lets me know she loves and appreciates me.

Its not a bad life I live right now and God knows, it could be a lot worse.

Barack Obama will be the 44th president. We have made history. 175 years ago blacks in this country were slaves. Today we have elected one president.

Just a quick reminder to all black people.

• Your car payments are still due. Your going to have to pay your car payments if you are to continue to drive.
• Your house payments are still due. If you didn't make your house payment your going to be foreclosed on. Sorry bout that.
• If you committed a crime, you may end up in jail.

And seriously, what is going to change for black people? Ten to fifteen seconds after the euphoria wears off the following will happen:

• Black men will still have disdain for educated like Barack and will either want to rob or kill them.
• Black women will continue to chose thugged out men men who will disrespect/beat/cheat on them over a man like Barack.
• People who use the same English Barack uses (Standard English) will still be looked at as acting white.
• The killing fields of Chicago, Washington DC, Newark, Atlanta and Detroit are fertile as ever will continue ad infinitum.
• Most Importantly, Lauren London still doesn’t care.

All Barack has really done is show that a cultural change is necessary in order to succeed. Successful black people have been saying this for decades.

The curtain of socialism has fallen. All achievement will now be punished. The age of entitlement has begun.

Last night I was informed, or in the mind of North Gatwick, reminded that we are getting married next September.

Wow.

Kwame Kilpatick, Patron saint of adultery, my hero and role model is in jail.

Its a sad day for Mister Bachelor.

• I'm standing in the mirror this morning and noticing that I am visibly smaller. Four miles a day seven days a week is all that is needed I guess. Lifting weights three times a week have also helped me regain the strength I was generally robbed by taking Byetta.
• North Gatwick has not been complaining lately. I am surprised. She said that generally she happy. Well, so am I... Generally that is.
• Human Sacrifice tells me that she is not going to chemotherapy stating that she has some natural juices and other miscellanea she is going to try instead. That has got to be the stupidest thing I have heard. Ok. Maybe its not the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Its in the top ten as well.
• To all the women who still hate me after all these years. Don’t Make Yourself Look Stupid (Click Here)
• I heard from Loopard last week. That exchange is worth its own post. I'll get to it in a few days when I have time.
• In a long conversation with Mister Preacher, I finally got him to finally admit that his support for Barack Obama was strictly because he was black.
• Checker Day sent me a belated birthday card via E-Mail though its about three months late. Whatever. It was nice of her to send it though.

Mister Bachelor rolls his beautiful brown eyes.